Pudding

When ever I eat pudding I think of "Now & Then" , and how the Warner's gave them the idea...




I don't know why but Wednesday's always give me trouble. I am fine with working. It's hump day! Half way through! But when it comes to working out that day I dread going going in to Curves. I am not sure why. After I go, regardless of the day, I feel GREAT!! I say that like "Tony the tiger". ha ha


I started working 10 hr days. Of course, I haven't worked a full 10 yet, because I have gotten vto for the past two days. Which has been nice. Last night I got to take a nap. Which i don't know if that was such a good thing, I woke up grumpy.

I have come to realise something.. I never knew. But I was good enough all along.

Its weird to me, seeing a man, I think I put them up on a pedestal because, I always think " he wouldn't like me" and when they do, I am surprised. To me, this man is perfect. Like seeing Venus on a clear summer night.
I have such complexities about my weight it holds me back and prevents me from being truly happy in life.
Well, I am sick of feeling unhappy because I am heavy. I have always felt fat since I was little. And if I only knew then, that I wasn't fat at all I think I would have gone down a different path.


I have gone to Curves now for 9 days! woo. I have lost 4 lbs. I know that's not much! I don't care, I am having fun, and enjoying my self. And the energy I have is amazing. I love all the old ladies there. I have decided not to wear t-shirts there, but rather big bulky sweatshirts. I have been wearing the "belly burner" the last 4 days I've gone. And that's helped tremendously. before I start working out it says I am 4 lbs lighter than when I started last Monday after I work out, it shows Ive gained 8 lbs since I started. That's a 12 lbs difference total. And when I take everything off to way, I am back to 4 lbs lighter. ha ha. So my sweating idea must be working. I feel really good about myself right now. And I don't think anything can break me right now. Well maybe my love life falling apart would affect me. Or my dad dying. Other than that, I feel like I am on top of the world.

At night I have been doing other exercises. I have this big long (30 ft) rope that's very heavy. I don't know how to explain it, but I pick up each end and do bicep curls very fast. It is a real workout, so I can't really do it that long. I am lame, I know! I also have been doing crunches with a weighted medicine ball. And THOSE have made my abs kill. Of course doing 40 crunches will make any one sore, I think..

They Can't break me down.

I have a history with starting vigorous workouts, only to end up quiting them in a few weeks. Back in May 2010 I was working out like crazy, I worked out every day for a few months, bringing us to June or July. I was told by a family member that I had to go every night and be there with my dad till he fell asleep in the hospital. Well, at night is when I would work out, so, that work out time was taken away from me, and once my dad was out of the hospital, I never grew back into the phase of working out again..

Now I am working out again, and I work out in the early mornings. I was very emotion yesterday, its a new year, and that means at work that our planned time and unplanned time banks are full again, and I noticed mine were short. I didn't know why, so I sent my unit manager and email, she said it was because I work 36 hours a week. I guess it's considered full time for health benefits but not full time for vacation time.. So now I am going to have to work more. I already work 9 hour days, but that's just not good enough. I feel overwhelmed, things still are going down hill with my dad, and me and Scott barely get to see each other as it is. On top of this, I am going to be working 10 hr days now. Hopefully it wont be sooo bad that I can't handle it. I am feeling better today, and I will continue working out early in the morning. Even if I lose sleep over it. I have to do this for myself. That is the only way this plan is ever going to work.

Curves

I have joined Curves for Women, I have gone 4 days in a row now. I started Monday.. I have a membership there for 2 months. The first day I went, I was kind of nervous, I wasn't sure what to think.. But when I got there, I knew everything was going to be okay. The women who go there are older. I don't mean in their 40's. I mean, 60 and above. At least. I feel like I am working out in a retirement home. I like this, because even though I am SO out of shape, I feel like an athlete next to these old ladies. I move faster, I lift more. It's an exciting time in my life. I wake up every morning, ON MY OWN (no alarm) at 8:00 am. I look forward do going, and doing my work out. I drink a slim fast on the way, and I am there for about 40-45 Min's. I feel fantastic. I leave feeling great, and I come home to a sleeping Scott. :)

Laser TAG

Happy birthday to me!!

So my birthday ended up being on a Thursday this year, it was so cold, and SO crappy! I don't get off till 9:00 PM at night. So no one could do anything. But as part of my new "self" I decided I was going to enjoy this birthday of mine, and have a party!! Woo.

So I called up Boondocks, and said, "I WANT A LASER TAG PARTY"

It was SO much fun. Well. Sort of. Because I didn't turn 7 and I was turning 24 people were looking at me, and laughing. The employees that is. they were rude. But once all the laser tag started, all my embarrassment and humiliation went away, and I was able to enjoy myself.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I hadn't had a birthday party in like ten years. It was exercise, I was sweating. And running all over trying to be the best laser tagging person ever.

But most of all, I had fun. And that's what matters.

New Years Resolution

2011!!

Its here and the time has come once again where people have all these hopes and dreams of bettering themselves and adding a sense of "good" back into the world. And I am no different. I am once again on the band wagon, of losing weight. For me, I think this is more than just a New Years Resolution. In the next three months I am going to give in everything I've got. And if I don't succeed you may ask yourself, I am getting barriatric surgery this year. Yup. This year. 2011

Down Memory Lane.

I was going through some photos last night. And I came across one of me. It was fairly recent, about 2 years ago. I was sitting on a rock over looking Timanogos National Park.. At this time, I believed I was fat. And surely I was, but not AS fat as I am today. But here is the thing. I thought I was as fat as I could get, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But it did. Since that picture was taken I have gained 32 lbs. That's a small child. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Not so sure how or why. But what I can tell you, is I am fed up. I am tired of limiting myself because of my size.

June 16 2010

I know it has been a while. I have moved, and have had allot going on else where in my life. I haven't had the time to sit in front of a computer for more than 10 minutes here or there. I moved back in April, and it has been wonderful. I love where I live! I get to take the dogs on walks daily, plus, living in an apartment, I feel as though I have my very own private gym! I pretend that I am rich and can just afford such luxuries in life I guess. ha ha.. Scott & I go almost every night to the gym. And there has only been other people there once! I guess we are pretty lucky. I don't like doing the gym equipment, but they have a racquetball room there, and it is SO much fun. And on top of being fun it really gets me sweating. Which is a wonderful thing. I normally don't break a sweat doing anything else. And I also love taking walks now, which is very nice. We take our dogs and go around the entire complex. It's been a real joy. I have also been eating allot less, more healthy foods. Although I am exercising the most I ever have in my life, and am eating less, more healthy foods, I am not seeing a huge drop in weight loss. From May 3 to today I have lost 14 lbs. Which is good, I just want more. I feel like I am making a true effort here, and I want to see more of a result that what I am. At first it all dropped off quickly, but it's been weeks now with out seeing any loss at all. Which is very hard, and very discouraging. On mothers day of this year I had a huge eye opening, jaw dropping epiphany. It was wondrous. And my Scotty, has been here through it all. I really owe allot to him now. He's been here through some pretty hard times with me. On mothers day I realised something so tragic. If I didn't change my course in life I was going to end up being bedridden and have to use one of those fat people carts at the store. Not that there is anything wrong.. With that picture necessarily. But that is not what I want for ME! No.. It's not. It never has been. I don't know why it took me this long to realise something so obvious.. But it has. I wanted to lose weight before. But nothing like this. It's like it's in my core now. Not to overeat. Not to just sit on my ass 24/7.. And to be honest, now I even want to go to the gym everyday! Who would of ever thought! ME!! Wow. I am taking a good hard look, at myself. And I can tell you my trigger foods, are deserts and going out to eat. So to remedy this, I have not been eating out as much, if I get fast food, it's a kids meal size. And if I have a desert, it's only once a week. And really I haven't even had that much desert since I have had this awaking. I have stopped completely getting things out of the vending machine. Trying to eat more complex carb like whole grains. Eating more protein and fiber so I feel fuller longer. And don't get me wrong. I still have had moments of weakness. Where I do still over eat. But not nearly as much as it was. And now I feel guilty about doing it, and I try to work it off. So overall I would say I am in a much better place because of this. I am concentrating on being more fit. Getting on Sparkpeople.com more often, after working the stages.. And I joined OA - Over eaters Anonymous.. Which has been working out really good. I feel like if I focus on not overeating it will be easier not to. I have some wonderful support right now in my family that I am just grateful for. That's all for now. Thanks for listening.