Getting serious

Its time to get serious.

I am going to enroll in weight watchers here pretty soon, within the next few weeks.
I have purchased a bow flex tread climber, which has been kicking my butt. I have purchased a tricycle bike, and have been enjoying the times I've gotten to go ride. I have gotten central air, so now there are noooooo more excuses!! I have also been told recently that I am pre-diabetic and I have been experiencing some leg problems in that there is tingling and numbness about. I have been mentally preparing myself for a while now that I am getting serious about losing weight. At times, when eating out, I have even been sharing plates with Scott so I haven't been eating so much. At home however I do still feel I have been eating the same amounts for majority of the time.I have been cooking out of this cookbook though lately "cook this not that" which has very healthy portions but cuts allot of fats and calories. I really struggle however when it comes to pasta dishes. I just want to eat more and more. Its the peak of my addiction. Speaking of which I have been watching here and there "My Strange Addiction" and it has people on there eating very strange things like dryer sheets, dry wall, etc, and my first response is that's disgusting. and it is. But so is eating like a pig. Have you seen spirited away? In this movie a young girls parents eat a feast at a carnival type scene. before she knows it her parents are pigs. Literally, she can't pull them away. and that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I can't even pull myself away. I've been watching another shows - reruns "Ruby" Its about a super super obese woman who lives in Savannah Georgia, and I almost feel like I am her. I feel like I weigh/look as big as she is. And this to me comes at no surprise. I am really relating to here story. I look back on pictures when I thought I was fat. But looking back I wasn't that bad. I was looking very good. Not only good but I just looked so much happier. I am ready for a change and I am going to take this change running at full speed!

+ 6 lbs.

Man do I have allot to talk about..

I just bought a house with Scott, and it is freaking awesome! I love love love this house. I was standing in the kitchen last night and Scott asked me what a sound was. Of course I didn't have a real answer. I just said the house was old. ha ha. And in that moment, I felt like an actual home owner. It's weird to feel grown up, with responsibilities and what not. I have so many hopes and dreams and I feel like with this house, some of them may actually end up coming true.
I am a proud owner of a lazy susan, and!! and a mailbox.. IN FRONT OF MY hOuSe!! ha ha That has been something I have wanted for many years. Moving was kinda hectic, living out of boxes and having half of my prized possessions put away made me psycho.. But now I am moved in, and I am unpacking things that I haven't seen in years because they were packed away in storage is a great thing.


I really just wish I was skinnier but I don't actually care enough to do anything about it, is the problem. I have allot of health problems, that I shouldn't have, I am only 24. But because I am morbidly obese, its creating allot of problems. I found a old picture last night, that was taken in Nov. of 07'.. I was probably 35 lbs less at that point, and I looked great. But I didn't look great because I was less weight. I looked great because I was happy. I had just gotten married, just got my first job, that I loved, and was proud of. My fatness is not making me sad. I am fat because I am sad. I deal with all the weight of the world by eating, and trying to comfort myself with food, console my problems with food... All of that. I am slowly killing myself, in front of every one to see. And no one notices. I am doing nothing but creating an unsatisfactory lifestyle for myself.


I am just so sad. And I have so much anger for things. I don't know how to get out of this rut, and I don't even know why I am sad. I have so much to be happy for. A new house, dogs that I cherish, parents who love me, siblings who I enjoy time with, nieces/nephews who I adore, a great job, a living wage.. WHY cant that be enough for me? Why am I not fulfilled. I wished that life was more like the Sims, so I could just look and see what it was that I needed, and fulfil it by doing it!! Of course I wish I could control shift C and type "motherlode" above my life and instantly receive 50000... That would be AMAZING!!

But I am not happy. I am sad. What makes me sad?

• Not getting to see my parents on a daily basis.


• Watching my dad literally deteriorate before my eyes.


• Not have any children.


• Working 10 hrs a day.


• Not having Jaden or Jurney come spend the night ever.


• Not going to school, or being able to even enroll because I cannot afford it (school price + loosing a job to actually go to school... just cant do it.)


• Fighting with Scott


• Fighting with Scott about his family


• Wanting to do spontaneous things, but never any time.


• Wishing I could have more of a relationship with my friends


• My falling out with Abbey


• Not being invited to do anything with Scott's friends


• Not getting to see Scott's friends enough.


• Scott not wanting to have a house party with friends and family because (they wont mix well)


• Not having funds to be proactive about my problem, I wish I could get a bow flex tread climber, a personal trainer and gym membership.


• Feeling like no one cares how may day is.


• Seeing homeless animal - tv commercials.


• Wanting to adopt, but not having enough money, can't.


• wanting Scott to get tested for Huntington's, but not have an extra 3 grand laying around, cant.


• not being included in my own mother in laws funeral. so our dad died, and pays off your basement, now we get nothing from both.. great

What makes me angry

• working 10 hrs a day


• forgetting the words of what I am trying to say


• getting calls at work, and people spell things out, even though its spelt correctly on the screen in front of me.................. IF YOU CALL CS for a CREDIT CARD, do me a favor, don't spell your name/address. They already have it on file..


• When stores cant hear they say ma'am instead of what? or I didn't hear you or excuse me


• people saying excuse me when they didn't fart.. cant they just say move?


• my father is dying, why cant my work just say, take all the time you need, come back when you can.


• people talking behind other peoples back. if you are going to say something, say it with every one in the room.


• If I do something that upsets you or offends, do me a favor, don't wait a week to bring it up, just say something in the moment, so it can be dealt with in record time.


• Certain family members getting inheritance already, and then getting it again, when we are only getting it once.


• people who use death money to finish basements,


• being ignored by step families


• having a hostile work environment, constantly being threatened with action plans.. etc


• having a manager I feel I cant even approach


• having friends or should I say "friends" who call me names... good bye

Life just sucks. And I just think there is more that out ways the good at this point. I cant just sit here and watch my dad die, and pretend that every things alright. I am expected to perform at work the same, expected to be on time, expected to work a full 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week. Live 1 hr 15 Min's away from him and be happy. It is just not going to happen. And when he does actually pass. I don't know that I will be all chipper and bright eyed. I am sure that I will bawl for months, and feel like my heart just got ripped out from my chest. WHY DO PEOPLE DIE? Why do they have to die? Why do people get sick???

Excuses.

Thinking of everything going on.. Feeling overwhelmed. Like I can't handle all the stress, and daily pressures of life. Not feeling well, light headed, being dizzy. Working ten hour days. My dad, dying. House searching. Whats for dinner?

What do these things all have in common? They are all excuses.

It doesn't matter what is happening in my life. What I want to accomplish is getting healthy, getting thin and being who I want to be.

I don't know why I don't just shut up and do what it is I need to do (IE: workout) But these excuses are running my life.. And ruining my life.. I almost wish I was addicted to drugs.. Rather than food. I could at least quit drugs. But I will always have to eat. There will be a min. of three times a day for me to falter. Room to over eat. Room to choose the wrong types of food. I think someone should make eating healthy a convenience.. ah yet, another excuse.

I can't just let my life be the way it is.. I am dying. Slowly. I am morbidly obese, and feel so run down from carrying so much extra weight.

No one can help me, until I can help myself. No one can take away my pain, or make this process any easier, or shorter. It is what it is. And why is it that I only answer to "Natalie"? Why can't someone tell me what to do, and I just do it.. No complaints. I wish I just felt worth while. Like I was worth the time, the effort to get healthy. I feel worthless.. But no one can tell me differently. It doesn't matter what any one says. Only what I feel. These feelings cannot be changed with out me wanting to change them.

Pudding

When ever I eat pudding I think of "Now & Then" , and how the Warner's gave them the idea...




I don't know why but Wednesday's always give me trouble. I am fine with working. It's hump day! Half way through! But when it comes to working out that day I dread going going in to Curves. I am not sure why. After I go, regardless of the day, I feel GREAT!! I say that like "Tony the tiger". ha ha


I started working 10 hr days. Of course, I haven't worked a full 10 yet, because I have gotten vto for the past two days. Which has been nice. Last night I got to take a nap. Which i don't know if that was such a good thing, I woke up grumpy.

I have come to realise something.. I never knew. But I was good enough all along.

Its weird to me, seeing a man, I think I put them up on a pedestal because, I always think " he wouldn't like me" and when they do, I am surprised. To me, this man is perfect. Like seeing Venus on a clear summer night.
I have such complexities about my weight it holds me back and prevents me from being truly happy in life.
Well, I am sick of feeling unhappy because I am heavy. I have always felt fat since I was little. And if I only knew then, that I wasn't fat at all I think I would have gone down a different path.


I have gone to Curves now for 9 days! woo. I have lost 4 lbs. I know that's not much! I don't care, I am having fun, and enjoying my self. And the energy I have is amazing. I love all the old ladies there. I have decided not to wear t-shirts there, but rather big bulky sweatshirts. I have been wearing the "belly burner" the last 4 days I've gone. And that's helped tremendously. before I start working out it says I am 4 lbs lighter than when I started last Monday after I work out, it shows Ive gained 8 lbs since I started. That's a 12 lbs difference total. And when I take everything off to way, I am back to 4 lbs lighter. ha ha. So my sweating idea must be working. I feel really good about myself right now. And I don't think anything can break me right now. Well maybe my love life falling apart would affect me. Or my dad dying. Other than that, I feel like I am on top of the world.

At night I have been doing other exercises. I have this big long (30 ft) rope that's very heavy. I don't know how to explain it, but I pick up each end and do bicep curls very fast. It is a real workout, so I can't really do it that long. I am lame, I know! I also have been doing crunches with a weighted medicine ball. And THOSE have made my abs kill. Of course doing 40 crunches will make any one sore, I think..

They Can't break me down.

I have a history with starting vigorous workouts, only to end up quiting them in a few weeks. Back in May 2010 I was working out like crazy, I worked out every day for a few months, bringing us to June or July. I was told by a family member that I had to go every night and be there with my dad till he fell asleep in the hospital. Well, at night is when I would work out, so, that work out time was taken away from me, and once my dad was out of the hospital, I never grew back into the phase of working out again..

Now I am working out again, and I work out in the early mornings. I was very emotion yesterday, its a new year, and that means at work that our planned time and unplanned time banks are full again, and I noticed mine were short. I didn't know why, so I sent my unit manager and email, she said it was because I work 36 hours a week. I guess it's considered full time for health benefits but not full time for vacation time.. So now I am going to have to work more. I already work 9 hour days, but that's just not good enough. I feel overwhelmed, things still are going down hill with my dad, and me and Scott barely get to see each other as it is. On top of this, I am going to be working 10 hr days now. Hopefully it wont be sooo bad that I can't handle it. I am feeling better today, and I will continue working out early in the morning. Even if I lose sleep over it. I have to do this for myself. That is the only way this plan is ever going to work.

Curves

I have joined Curves for Women, I have gone 4 days in a row now. I started Monday.. I have a membership there for 2 months. The first day I went, I was kind of nervous, I wasn't sure what to think.. But when I got there, I knew everything was going to be okay. The women who go there are older. I don't mean in their 40's. I mean, 60 and above. At least. I feel like I am working out in a retirement home. I like this, because even though I am SO out of shape, I feel like an athlete next to these old ladies. I move faster, I lift more. It's an exciting time in my life. I wake up every morning, ON MY OWN (no alarm) at 8:00 am. I look forward do going, and doing my work out. I drink a slim fast on the way, and I am there for about 40-45 Min's. I feel fantastic. I leave feeling great, and I come home to a sleeping Scott. :)

Laser TAG

Happy birthday to me!!

So my birthday ended up being on a Thursday this year, it was so cold, and SO crappy! I don't get off till 9:00 PM at night. So no one could do anything. But as part of my new "self" I decided I was going to enjoy this birthday of mine, and have a party!! Woo.

So I called up Boondocks, and said, "I WANT A LASER TAG PARTY"

It was SO much fun. Well. Sort of. Because I didn't turn 7 and I was turning 24 people were looking at me, and laughing. The employees that is. they were rude. But once all the laser tag started, all my embarrassment and humiliation went away, and I was able to enjoy myself.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I hadn't had a birthday party in like ten years. It was exercise, I was sweating. And running all over trying to be the best laser tagging person ever.

But most of all, I had fun. And that's what matters.

New Years Resolution

2011!!

Its here and the time has come once again where people have all these hopes and dreams of bettering themselves and adding a sense of "good" back into the world. And I am no different. I am once again on the band wagon, of losing weight. For me, I think this is more than just a New Years Resolution. In the next three months I am going to give in everything I've got. And if I don't succeed you may ask yourself, I am getting barriatric surgery this year. Yup. This year. 2011

Down Memory Lane.

I was going through some photos last night. And I came across one of me. It was fairly recent, about 2 years ago. I was sitting on a rock over looking Timanogos National Park.. At this time, I believed I was fat. And surely I was, but not AS fat as I am today. But here is the thing. I thought I was as fat as I could get, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But it did. Since that picture was taken I have gained 32 lbs. That's a small child. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Not so sure how or why. But what I can tell you, is I am fed up. I am tired of limiting myself because of my size.