my story has no end because it has no beginning

I keep waiting waiting waiting to be what I think happiness is. I never get my hair cut, rarely wear make up, or put on nice clothes. I am waiting. I keep thinking that something is going to change. That someday maybe I will wake up skinny and that's when I can be cute. But I am tired of waiting. The time is now.. 13:00 (not military) meaning it doesn't exist. Yet somehow it exists infinitely. I got a hair cut that I think is fun, and cute. I still kept my hair long, but have bangs. It's been fun. But sadly I am not getting as many comments as what would make my heart sing. I am struggling alot lately. I guess I should tell you the reason why I am waiting first. This might make more sense. I don't feel like I deserve to be cute/pretty/beautiful. I don't feel like I am partly. But also in part by how I interact with others. People don't have positive things to say about my looks, nor even about who I am in general. I don't get comments. People just don't care. I feel like I could disappear, and I don't know who would even realise it. It's kind of a sad feeling. But I blame myself. I am just not enamoring enough, to dazzle people, to hold their attention, long enough for them to care. I kind of feel like I am a piece of shit. Sure on the out side I might seem happy. But this is all inside stuff I am talking about. Things that go back to childhood. I was told I was born to bring joy. And that I probably have. I am the peacemaker in most situations. Especially in my family. However I have a brother who doesn't give me 1 minute of his day. A sister who is working herself ragged (and for what I do not know), she responds if I am lucky once a week. I have another sister who I think loves and adores me, but I can tell her patience is running thin. And another sister who I enjoy talking with, but its always chaos. My parents are so busy. They don't give me the time of day. We used to talk daily. I remember the first day of my entire life, the day I didn't get to talk to my mom. It was a sad day. Not because of anything, other than I didn't get to hear her voice.  Being on facebook almost makes me feel like I am something. Sometimes I feel like people do care. But it's rare I get a comment. And who I really want to comment and care, they never do. And that again makes me feel worthless. But it is a very different feeling, having friends from highschool that normally wouldn't give me the time of day. I wasn't popular in school at all growing up. In fact I was bullies and picked on.. So much I dropped out of school. But now, I am friends with majority of the people. And some I do keep up on their daily lives, and those same some, keep up with mine, for the most part. I have been working alot lately, alot for me. I normally work 25 - 35 hrs a week, well last week I worked 40, this week 44.  I honestly feel like this lifestyle of work, is killing me slowly. I can't feel part of my legs. And no, I am not a hypocondriact. I honestly cant. Sometimes after work, I will just sit and punch it, trying to get it to wake. But it never does.. I look back over my life, and think of friends, past and present. And I have really never had someone who does things for me. Except Scott. He is the exception to this. But I am always the one to do for others. Even in my family life. If I have an opinion, I get told to shut up. If I have an idea, it gets shut down. If I need something, I get ignored. I am always the one to do for others. And never doing for myself. If anyone needs anything, I try to make it happen. It's just who I am. I shut up, because I am a people pleaser. This is what makes me feel worthless. And sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist. I wish time would freeze. And things would stop. And for a moment, my problems would be gone. I also hate thinking. When I die, I am sure there will be tears, and sadness. But why don't they care enough now to stop my tears and sadness? I am going to stop on facebook for a while. I realised I have become one of those people who posts more than once a day, and that's just annoying. And probable cause for being hidden. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could go back, and see my dad walk again. And see my mom happy again. I wish I could go back and have tea time with my parents. And I wish that one time when my aunt faye called, and I was walking the phone to my mom, I wished I didn't hear her say "come on nat"..  I wish she was still here. Then maybe my cousin Bryce wouldn't have dropped out of my life. It's hard to deal. We used to be so close. I feel like I should go see some one (like a counsellor) and get some help. I feel like hes dead, and doesn't exist. But I never got to mourn. Because he is really not dead. Hes just not present in the family any more. I  hope tonight I can dream of my passed loved ones. I used to dream about my grandpa and hear his voice, calling me spook.. But I haven't for such a long time, I am forgetting what he sounded like. I wish I would get to see or feel my grandmas spirit. She used to visit me at my old house in clinton. I always felt her in my closet for some reason. But it was a comforting feeling having her near. I have been watching this tv series on showtime (from netflix) called the united states of tara. It's been interesting, and has made me feel alot of different things, even bringing up my own issues from the past. Because I feel so worthless, or unworthy, I have been sabotaging my weight loss. I have been just maintaining since Christmas. But every week its another small roller coaster that I hate. I wish I was the life of the party. That is who I want to be. Some great entertainer, who every one wants to be around. Who people make an effort for. But I am not. And I guess that's why I ain't.