A turn of events....

I pretty much have alot to say, to whom ever is reading out there. I have decided to pursue the course of surgery for weight loss. I am going to be having it in a few months - about 3. It is scary, but I am ready. I am still going through the course of getting approved. Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Keeping it off is hard. I am going to choose another type of hard. Keeping it off. Going through the surgery is going to be difficult as well. Probably one of the hardest things I will ever do for myself. But it's for me, and sometimes we have to do things for ourselves so that we are ok. And I am doing this. Scott is getting progressively worse with his disease, and I am trying to get myself ready, physically, and mentally for the fight with Huntingtons. I am going to be caring for him some day, sooner than I will be ready for. But the least I can do, is be ready physically. And that is the goal with the surgery. I have chosen to do the bypass. It has good results, is fairly safe. Sure there are people who have problems. I know. Some think it was the biggest mistakes of their lives. I know. I get it. I thought about the lapband, and spoke with the center who does them. They said that Europe was the first country to start them, and they wont even do them any more. Minimal results, and band slippage. It's not the best I guess. Although some people have tremendous results with the band. What really stopped me from choosing the lapband is the fact that you still feel hunger. And that's not something I can handle. I am so ready to just not even think about eating all the time, To have to be REMINDED to eat.. Wouldn't that be so wonderful. Can't wait for the days. I know I will have a really hard time at first. Probably sicker than sick for months on end. Lose half my hair. I am ready for it. I am mentally preparing for it now. And you never know, maybe it will be easier than what I think in my head. And wouldn't that be a blessing.

Last night Scott had an violent outburst. It was pretty shocking. I am here, for how ever long he will have me. I know huntingtons is messing with his head already. He becomes someone at times, thats inherently not who he is. He changes. It's difficult, and scary. And I get hurt and build walls. but I know that's not him. That's not who he is. I keep trying to remind myself. Today he had a procedure done, and he kept clenching his hands, and making claw like fists and I asked the nurses if this was normal, they said it was a symptom of hd. That was so scary. Never before have I seen him do this, and never before has any one actually acknowledge a symptom of hd in him before either. I think that yesterday he was pushed to his limits. Prepping for a colonoscopy, he hadn't been eating anything and had been complaining of his hunger all day. I had worked a 10 hr shift, and came down and was eating a pb&j beside him. I think this is what had pushed him. He kept saying I was being rude, and calling me names. etc. I recorded some of it. Not for proof. But so I can show him later, how he is sounding, vs me. He gets so angry, I don't even know what to do. Today after the procedure, on the way home, he was crying because of what he did. I know he feels like total utter shit because of his actions.  And it makes me feel sorry for him that he feels this way, but part of me thinks, if you are really sorry you wont just sit there, cry and feel sorry for yourself. You could get me flowers, a card saying how really sorry you really are.. etc. But no effort. Like the usual.

I have had such a hard time recently with my eating. And it's all because of everything I am dealing with on a mental level. Scott and I have been practicing eating at the table. Boy has this made a difference. But when we go back to our normal habits, we eat in front of the tv. And I just over eat. I bought a bag of chips S&V on Monday.. Todays Wednesday  and they are gone! GONE !All me.. No one else. Not even Scott having had one chip. I feel like the biggest piece of crap ever. It was total addiction. I wasn't hungry. I was burning my tongue. It still hurts. But man oh man, was it good. My parents are losing their house, of 26 yrs. There is always drama with my family, I just can't handle it. My sister got a new friend who I dislike. I tried to like her, but she just doesn't even want to talk to me. Walking away in mid conversation, its really weird, I don't know why she likes this lady and their weird family. Just got back from a vacation, that was a bit stressful. I was sick the entire time, and even sicker when I got home, I had to take a whole week off of work. And I am still struggling to get better. This is so stressful why because I will be with out pay that entire week. And this is so stressful because Scott is always riding me about money, and the lack there of. AHH I could just scream.