corn dog chili powder

I have been struggling so much lately. I am feeling really good about figure - buying a lot of cute clothes, new dresses.. I ordered a pair of high boots that go to the knee. Something I have wanted for forever. My sister Shannon wears them all the time,and they are so cute. I was hopeful they would fit for a wide calf. I have monstrous calves, I have a strong dislike for them. Obviously they didn't fit. I can barely get them zipped. but unfortunately they are so tight, so uncomfortable, and look horrible with all the extra leg fat popping out the top. I am debating taking them back, or keeping them for when (if) they fit. I got them on a good sale - 50% off. I just want to be cute so badly. Cute-er than I already am. I want so badly to  be this thin, healthy, person who runs and has a lot of energy. But lately I am dragging. I am out of breath by simply walking up a flight of stairs.  And its been really hard on me. I don't know whats going on, I don't feel sick, other than being extremely tired lately. Maybe it's the weather changing. Who knows. I don't. I need to get back into it again. Yesterday I missed my weight watcher meeting, because I was so tired. I slept in, and took a hot bath. Which was nice. But I need more. More sleep. I need to take a whole day off and do nothing but rest.

applejacks and mustangs

             While I don't write near as much as I should.. Weight loss is on my mind daily. These past few weeks I have done really well. Loosing 7 lbs in about 4 weeks. Feeling good about that. I just got back from a vacation, where I enjoyed site seeing and walking around the streets of Seattle with my hubby. We walked over 4 miles a day, which is more exercise than I get in an entire week, and we did this for 3 days.. I was for sure thinking I would have an uberley good high weight loss on the scale. I did lose. Just not as much as I thought I would. So that is weighing heavily on my mind. And then me and Scott go into a huge fight Monday.. When this happens, in my mind, I always ask why. What is it about me, that makes him fight with me. Or hate on me, or use such harsh words. I don't mean to do it. But I know I do it. Whenever this happens, I end sabotaging myself for losing the weight. I know that I do this, some how some way, with out actually knowing that I am doing it. But since then, I have been eating eating eating. And I know why. I feel entitled to eat, because I don't feel like I am really worth feeling good about myself, or feeling good about loosing weight, or something. This is all psychosis bs I know. I just feel like only a fat person deserves to be treated like this. So if I am getting the treatment, I must not be worth it. Does this make sense? It's hard to find the self worth. When I was 18 I was over weight. Not fat, just a bit over weight (almost 60 lbs lighter than I am now) And I got raped at a party I went to with some friends. Because this happened, I gained weight, because I didn't want men looking at me like they wanted any thing. I didn't want that kind of attention. And I certainly didn't want that to happen again. When this happens to others you always hear, "well she asked for it by how she looks, etc" but I didn't ask for it. I wasn't dressed inappropriately by any means. Nor was this a person I had even shared a few sentences with. Yet it happened. Of course months later I met Scott. And things were great. We were inseparable. And then we got married. Which was challenging to say the least. The first few years were most horrible compared to now. Now we fight maybe once a month.. Then, we fought every day, if not multiple times a day. While these were the best of times, it was also the worst of times sort of speak. While I wouldn't rather be fighting with some one else. He's the only one worth fight for/with. I did suffer greatly, as I am sure he did as well. In turn over the course of our marriage I gained nearly 80 lbs. horrifying I know. And it all stemmed truly from the hatred of myself. Because we would fight, and fight we did, I really started to feel horrible about myself and my self image. I just thought I wasn't worth it. I thought that only ugly fat people deserved this treatment. And sometimes when it gets bad, even still I will scream out why? Why do I deserve this. And of course he doesn't say bc your fat! No.. Its because he's angry and we all say things we don't mean when pushed to the edge. But still I will punish myself over and over. I obviously know it's mental. I don't know quite how to stop, because it's not something I say (opening a candy bar, " I'm going to eat this, get a gain on the scale this week and really make scott pay") yet, some how, its not even him who's paying. He doesn't care. He loves me any way I come, he loved me 50 lbs heavier than I am now, and 35 lbs lighter than I am. Who pays is me. But I know its connected to how he treats me. I am going to keep pushing through, keep digging deeper at these feelings. Because I can diet. But the self hate thing is really the problem. And that I must keep working on.

my story has no end because it has no beginning

I keep waiting waiting waiting to be what I think happiness is. I never get my hair cut, rarely wear make up, or put on nice clothes. I am waiting. I keep thinking that something is going to change. That someday maybe I will wake up skinny and that's when I can be cute. But I am tired of waiting. The time is now.. 13:00 (not military) meaning it doesn't exist. Yet somehow it exists infinitely. I got a hair cut that I think is fun, and cute. I still kept my hair long, but have bangs. It's been fun. But sadly I am not getting as many comments as what would make my heart sing. I am struggling alot lately. I guess I should tell you the reason why I am waiting first. This might make more sense. I don't feel like I deserve to be cute/pretty/beautiful. I don't feel like I am partly. But also in part by how I interact with others. People don't have positive things to say about my looks, nor even about who I am in general. I don't get comments. People just don't care. I feel like I could disappear, and I don't know who would even realise it. It's kind of a sad feeling. But I blame myself. I am just not enamoring enough, to dazzle people, to hold their attention, long enough for them to care. I kind of feel like I am a piece of shit. Sure on the out side I might seem happy. But this is all inside stuff I am talking about. Things that go back to childhood. I was told I was born to bring joy. And that I probably have. I am the peacemaker in most situations. Especially in my family. However I have a brother who doesn't give me 1 minute of his day. A sister who is working herself ragged (and for what I do not know), she responds if I am lucky once a week. I have another sister who I think loves and adores me, but I can tell her patience is running thin. And another sister who I enjoy talking with, but its always chaos. My parents are so busy. They don't give me the time of day. We used to talk daily. I remember the first day of my entire life, the day I didn't get to talk to my mom. It was a sad day. Not because of anything, other than I didn't get to hear her voice.  Being on facebook almost makes me feel like I am something. Sometimes I feel like people do care. But it's rare I get a comment. And who I really want to comment and care, they never do. And that again makes me feel worthless. But it is a very different feeling, having friends from highschool that normally wouldn't give me the time of day. I wasn't popular in school at all growing up. In fact I was bullies and picked on.. So much I dropped out of school. But now, I am friends with majority of the people. And some I do keep up on their daily lives, and those same some, keep up with mine, for the most part. I have been working alot lately, alot for me. I normally work 25 - 35 hrs a week, well last week I worked 40, this week 44.  I honestly feel like this lifestyle of work, is killing me slowly. I can't feel part of my legs. And no, I am not a hypocondriact. I honestly cant. Sometimes after work, I will just sit and punch it, trying to get it to wake. But it never does.. I look back over my life, and think of friends, past and present. And I have really never had someone who does things for me. Except Scott. He is the exception to this. But I am always the one to do for others. Even in my family life. If I have an opinion, I get told to shut up. If I have an idea, it gets shut down. If I need something, I get ignored. I am always the one to do for others. And never doing for myself. If anyone needs anything, I try to make it happen. It's just who I am. I shut up, because I am a people pleaser. This is what makes me feel worthless. And sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist. I wish time would freeze. And things would stop. And for a moment, my problems would be gone. I also hate thinking. When I die, I am sure there will be tears, and sadness. But why don't they care enough now to stop my tears and sadness? I am going to stop on facebook for a while. I realised I have become one of those people who posts more than once a day, and that's just annoying. And probable cause for being hidden. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could go back, and see my dad walk again. And see my mom happy again. I wish I could go back and have tea time with my parents. And I wish that one time when my aunt faye called, and I was walking the phone to my mom, I wished I didn't hear her say "come on nat"..  I wish she was still here. Then maybe my cousin Bryce wouldn't have dropped out of my life. It's hard to deal. We used to be so close. I feel like I should go see some one (like a counsellor) and get some help. I feel like hes dead, and doesn't exist. But I never got to mourn. Because he is really not dead. Hes just not present in the family any more. I  hope tonight I can dream of my passed loved ones. I used to dream about my grandpa and hear his voice, calling me spook.. But I haven't for such a long time, I am forgetting what he sounded like. I wish I would get to see or feel my grandmas spirit. She used to visit me at my old house in clinton. I always felt her in my closet for some reason. But it was a comforting feeling having her near. I have been watching this tv series on showtime (from netflix) called the united states of tara. It's been interesting, and has made me feel alot of different things, even bringing up my own issues from the past. Because I feel so worthless, or unworthy, I have been sabotaging my weight loss. I have been just maintaining since Christmas. But every week its another small roller coaster that I hate. I wish I was the life of the party. That is who I want to be. Some great entertainer, who every one wants to be around. Who people make an effort for. But I am not. And I guess that's why I ain't.

It's been a while.

Its been a while since I last posted. But don't think I haven't been trying. My first post "January 13 2010
I have decided to start blogging about my ups and so many downs of diets. I plan to at least write 3 times a week and "weigh" in once a week. My goal is to lose sixty five pounds by Jan 1 2011. Not only to lose, but to hopefully, become much more healthier than I am now. I know it's going to be a struggle. But I am willing to try just about everything. I will also be keeping a journal of everything I eat, daily.My current weight: 251 BMI: 45.9Goal weight by 1/1/11: 186. BMI: 34Earlier this year, I attempted to go through my insurance and get the Lap band system. However, I could not physically nor financially jump through the hoops to get them (Altius) to pay for it. So I am going to try to lose this weight the "old fashioned" way. With hard work, sweat, tears, and eating less, and way more healthy, I believe I can and will lose that sixty five pounds!"


Obviously this did not happen. And in fact gained a whole bunch more, I believe my heaviest weight was around 270+ ish.. Somethings have changed since my last post July of 2011. I joined Weight Watchers at the end of Aug 2011, weighing in at 266. I absolutely love Weight Watchers, and what it has done for my life. I have lost a total of 22.4 lbs so far.Starting weight at WW is 266.8.. And I am proud to say, I didn't gain anything through the holidays! First time ever!! I have been trying to be active more. "Move More" and this has helped some. But more than anything it's what I've been eating, and the portion size. I now get fuller with less, and am making better food choices.

I have the support of my wonderful husband, and we have been moving more, together. We took a water aerobics class together last week, and it was so much fun. Today I did go again, this time, however, alone. Still alott of fun. I am enjoying losing the weight, and feeling/seeing the difference in my clothes.

Scott hasn't really "noticed" a difference in how I look.. I can, and many others can. But I think it's just because he sees me every day, and he's pretty much not aware of weight, or lack their of. He thinks I am the same size as some 300 + lbs person, and he is just not very observative.

Anyways, I have been having a great time going to meetings, and getting to know different people. By now, my meeting leader knows me by name. I go every Monday to weigh in. And I am loving it.
I am learning not to eat food because I am sad, or hurt. I am eating now, because I am hungry.. It's a very conscious choice, where as before. It was not.