applejacks and mustangs

             While I don't write near as much as I should.. Weight loss is on my mind daily. These past few weeks I have done really well. Loosing 7 lbs in about 4 weeks. Feeling good about that. I just got back from a vacation, where I enjoyed site seeing and walking around the streets of Seattle with my hubby. We walked over 4 miles a day, which is more exercise than I get in an entire week, and we did this for 3 days.. I was for sure thinking I would have an uberley good high weight loss on the scale. I did lose. Just not as much as I thought I would. So that is weighing heavily on my mind. And then me and Scott go into a huge fight Monday.. When this happens, in my mind, I always ask why. What is it about me, that makes him fight with me. Or hate on me, or use such harsh words. I don't mean to do it. But I know I do it. Whenever this happens, I end sabotaging myself for losing the weight. I know that I do this, some how some way, with out actually knowing that I am doing it. But since then, I have been eating eating eating. And I know why. I feel entitled to eat, because I don't feel like I am really worth feeling good about myself, or feeling good about loosing weight, or something. This is all psychosis bs I know. I just feel like only a fat person deserves to be treated like this. So if I am getting the treatment, I must not be worth it. Does this make sense? It's hard to find the self worth. When I was 18 I was over weight. Not fat, just a bit over weight (almost 60 lbs lighter than I am now) And I got raped at a party I went to with some friends. Because this happened, I gained weight, because I didn't want men looking at me like they wanted any thing. I didn't want that kind of attention. And I certainly didn't want that to happen again. When this happens to others you always hear, "well she asked for it by how she looks, etc" but I didn't ask for it. I wasn't dressed inappropriately by any means. Nor was this a person I had even shared a few sentences with. Yet it happened. Of course months later I met Scott. And things were great. We were inseparable. And then we got married. Which was challenging to say the least. The first few years were most horrible compared to now. Now we fight maybe once a month.. Then, we fought every day, if not multiple times a day. While these were the best of times, it was also the worst of times sort of speak. While I wouldn't rather be fighting with some one else. He's the only one worth fight for/with. I did suffer greatly, as I am sure he did as well. In turn over the course of our marriage I gained nearly 80 lbs. horrifying I know. And it all stemmed truly from the hatred of myself. Because we would fight, and fight we did, I really started to feel horrible about myself and my self image. I just thought I wasn't worth it. I thought that only ugly fat people deserved this treatment. And sometimes when it gets bad, even still I will scream out why? Why do I deserve this. And of course he doesn't say bc your fat! No.. Its because he's angry and we all say things we don't mean when pushed to the edge. But still I will punish myself over and over. I obviously know it's mental. I don't know quite how to stop, because it's not something I say (opening a candy bar, " I'm going to eat this, get a gain on the scale this week and really make scott pay") yet, some how, its not even him who's paying. He doesn't care. He loves me any way I come, he loved me 50 lbs heavier than I am now, and 35 lbs lighter than I am. Who pays is me. But I know its connected to how he treats me. I am going to keep pushing through, keep digging deeper at these feelings. Because I can diet. But the self hate thing is really the problem. And that I must keep working on.