I just bought a house with Scott, and it is freaking awesome! I love love love this house. I was standing in the kitchen last night and Scott asked me what a sound was. Of course I didn't have a real answer. I just said the house was old. ha ha. And in that moment, I felt like an actual home owner. It's weird to feel grown up, with responsibilities and what not. I have so many hopes and dreams and I feel like with this house, some of them may actually end up coming true.
I am a proud owner of a lazy susan, and!! and a mailbox.. IN FRONT OF MY hOuSe!! ha ha That has been something I have wanted for many years. Moving was kinda hectic, living out of boxes and having half of my prized possessions put away made me psycho.. But now I am moved in, and I am unpacking things that I haven't seen in years because they were packed away in storage is a great thing.
I really just wish I was skinnier but I don't actually care enough to do anything about it, is the problem. I have allot of health problems, that I shouldn't have, I am only 24. But because I am morbidly obese, its creating allot of problems. I found a old picture last night, that was taken in Nov. of 07'.. I was probably 35 lbs less at that point, and I looked great. But I didn't look great because I was less weight. I looked great because I was happy. I had just gotten married, just got my first job, that I loved, and was proud of. My fatness is not making me sad. I am fat because I am sad. I deal with all the weight of the world by eating, and trying to comfort myself with food, console my problems with food... All of that. I am slowly killing myself, in front of every one to see. And no one notices. I am doing nothing but creating an unsatisfactory lifestyle for myself.
I am just so sad. And I have so much anger for things. I don't know how to get out of this rut, and I don't even know why I am sad. I have so much to be happy for. A new house, dogs that I cherish, parents who love me, siblings who I enjoy time with, nieces/nephews who I adore, a great job, a living wage.. WHY cant that be enough for me? Why am I not fulfilled. I wished that life was more like the Sims, so I could just look and see what it was that I needed, and fulfil it by doing it!! Of course I wish I could control shift C and type "motherlode" above my life and instantly receive 50000... That would be AMAZING!!
But I am not happy. I am sad. What makes me sad?
- Not getting to see my parents on a daily basis.
- Watching my dad literally deteriorate before my eyes.
- Not have any children.
- Working 10 hrs a day.
- Not having Jaden or Jurney come spend the night ever.
- Not going to school, or being able to even enroll because I cannot afford it (school price + loosing a job to actually go to school... just cant do it.)
- Fighting with Scott
- Fighting with Scott about his family
- Wanting to do spontaneous things, but never any time.
- Wishing I could have more of a relationship with my friends
- My falling out with Abbey
- Not being invited to do anything with Scott's friends
- Not getting to see Scott's friends enough.
- Scott not wanting to have a house party with friends and family because (they wont mix well)
- Not having funds to be proactive about my problem, I wish I could get a bow flex tread climber, a personal trainer and gym membership.
- Feeling like no one cares how may day is.
- Seeing homeless animal - tv commercials.
- Wanting to adopt, but not having enough money, can't.
- wanting Scott to get tested for Huntington's, but not have an extra 3 grand laying around, cant.
- not being included in my own mother in laws funeral. so our dad died, and pays off your basement, now we get nothing from both.. great
What makes me angry
- working 10 hrs a day
- forgetting the words of what I am trying to say
- getting calls at work, and people spell things out, even though its spelt correctly on the screen in front of me.................. IF YOU CALL CS for a CREDIT CARD, do me a favor, don't spell your name/address. They already have it on file..
- When stores cant hear they say ma'am instead of what? or I didn't hear you or excuse me
- people saying excuse me when they didn't fart.. cant they just say move?
- my father is dying, why cant my work just say, take all the time you need, come back when you can.
- people talking behind other peoples back. if you are going to say something, say it with every one in the room.
- If I do something that upsets you or offends, do me a favor, don't wait a week to bring it up, just say something in the moment, so it can be dealt with in record time.
- Certain family members getting inheritance already, and then getting it again, when we are only getting it once.
- people who use death money to finish basements,
- being ignored by step families
- having a hostile work environment, constantly being threatened with action plans.. etc
- having a manager I feel I cant even approach
- having friends or should I say "friends" who call me names... good bye
Life just sucks. And I just think there is more that out ways the good at this point. I cant just sit here and watch my dad die, and pretend that every things alright. I am expected to perform at work the same, expected to be on time, expected to work a full 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week. Live 1 hr 15 Min's away from him and be happy. It is just not going to happen. And when he does actually pass. I don't know that I will be all chipper and bright eyed. I am sure that I will bawl for months, and feel like my heart just got ripped out from my chest. WHY DO PEOPLE DIE? Why do they have to die? Why do people get sick???
