Meh

I honestly don't know if losing the weight was worth it from an emotional standpoint. I used to have high self esteem. Thinking I looked good even when heavy. After losing 151 pounds, I look good in clothes, but not naked. I have loose skin every where, my arms, stomach and thighs. It's pretty horrible. I feel so ugly, and unattractive. I don't want to be naked, or have sex. I feel disgusting. I lost my boobs, and my butt. I am shapeless, and drooping. It sucks to work so hard to lose the weight,and then you are not satisfied by the way you look after. And since I am chronically ill, I am also not happy with how I feel,seeing as how I am in pain 100% of my time alive and sleepy.

It finally happened.

So I know I haven't written in here for years. But I am finally thin. I don't feel it in my head yet, but maybe it will get there.

A turn of events....

I pretty much have alot to say, to whom ever is reading out there. I have decided to pursue the course of surgery for weight loss. I am going to be having it in a few months - about 3. It is scary, but I am ready. I am still going through the course of getting approved. Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Keeping it off is hard. I am going to choose another type of hard. Keeping it off. Going through the surgery is going to be difficult as well. Probably one of the hardest things I will ever do for myself. But it's for me, and sometimes we have to do things for ourselves so that we are ok. And I am doing this. Scott is getting progressively worse with his disease, and I am trying to get myself ready, physically, and mentally for the fight with Huntingtons. I am going to be caring for him some day, sooner than I will be ready for. But the least I can do, is be ready physically. And that is the goal with the surgery. I have chosen to do the bypass. It has good results, is fairly safe. Sure there are people who have problems. I know. Some think it was the biggest mistakes of their lives. I know. I get it. I thought about the lapband, and spoke with the center who does them. They said that Europe was the first country to start them, and they wont even do them any more. Minimal results, and band slippage. It's not the best I guess. Although some people have tremendous results with the band. What really stopped me from choosing the lapband is the fact that you still feel hunger. And that's not something I can handle. I am so ready to just not even think about eating all the time, To have to be REMINDED to eat.. Wouldn't that be so wonderful. Can't wait for the days. I know I will have a really hard time at first. Probably sicker than sick for months on end. Lose half my hair. I am ready for it. I am mentally preparing for it now. And you never know, maybe it will be easier than what I think in my head. And wouldn't that be a blessing.

Last night Scott had an violent outburst. It was pretty shocking. I am here, for how ever long he will have me. I know huntingtons is messing with his head already. He becomes someone at times, thats inherently not who he is. He changes. It's difficult, and scary. And I get hurt and build walls. but I know that's not him. That's not who he is. I keep trying to remind myself. Today he had a procedure done, and he kept clenching his hands, and making claw like fists and I asked the nurses if this was normal, they said it was a symptom of hd. That was so scary. Never before have I seen him do this, and never before has any one actually acknowledge a symptom of hd in him before either. I think that yesterday he was pushed to his limits. Prepping for a colonoscopy, he hadn't been eating anything and had been complaining of his hunger all day. I had worked a 10 hr shift, and came down and was eating a pb&j beside him. I think this is what had pushed him. He kept saying I was being rude, and calling me names. etc. I recorded some of it. Not for proof. But so I can show him later, how he is sounding, vs me. He gets so angry, I don't even know what to do. Today after the procedure, on the way home, he was crying because of what he did. I know he feels like total utter shit because of his actions.  And it makes me feel sorry for him that he feels this way, but part of me thinks, if you are really sorry you wont just sit there, cry and feel sorry for yourself. You could get me flowers, a card saying how really sorry you really are.. etc. But no effort. Like the usual.

I have had such a hard time recently with my eating. And it's all because of everything I am dealing with on a mental level. Scott and I have been practicing eating at the table. Boy has this made a difference. But when we go back to our normal habits, we eat in front of the tv. And I just over eat. I bought a bag of chips S&V on Monday.. Todays Wednesday  and they are gone! GONE !All me.. No one else. Not even Scott having had one chip. I feel like the biggest piece of crap ever. It was total addiction. I wasn't hungry. I was burning my tongue. It still hurts. But man oh man, was it good. My parents are losing their house, of 26 yrs. There is always drama with my family, I just can't handle it. My sister got a new friend who I dislike. I tried to like her, but she just doesn't even want to talk to me. Walking away in mid conversation, its really weird, I don't know why she likes this lady and their weird family. Just got back from a vacation, that was a bit stressful. I was sick the entire time, and even sicker when I got home, I had to take a whole week off of work. And I am still struggling to get better. This is so stressful why because I will be with out pay that entire week. And this is so stressful because Scott is always riding me about money, and the lack there of. AHH I could just scream. 

Worry some

I'm so worried about my love.  Tomorrow we go in for some more results in his blood.  His love enzymes are higher than they were.  I hope it's nothing life threatening.  He already has hd in his future, taking away valuable time together in our old age.  And now this.  Please help him, help me help us.  Let this be easy to fix.

corn dog chili powder

I have been struggling so much lately. I am feeling really good about figure - buying a lot of cute clothes, new dresses.. I ordered a pair of high boots that go to the knee. Something I have wanted for forever. My sister Shannon wears them all the time,and they are so cute. I was hopeful they would fit for a wide calf. I have monstrous calves, I have a strong dislike for them. Obviously they didn't fit. I can barely get them zipped. but unfortunately they are so tight, so uncomfortable, and look horrible with all the extra leg fat popping out the top. I am debating taking them back, or keeping them for when (if) they fit. I got them on a good sale - 50% off. I just want to be cute so badly. Cute-er than I already am. I want so badly to  be this thin, healthy, person who runs and has a lot of energy. But lately I am dragging. I am out of breath by simply walking up a flight of stairs.  And its been really hard on me. I don't know whats going on, I don't feel sick, other than being extremely tired lately. Maybe it's the weather changing. Who knows. I don't. I need to get back into it again. Yesterday I missed my weight watcher meeting, because I was so tired. I slept in, and took a hot bath. Which was nice. But I need more. More sleep. I need to take a whole day off and do nothing but rest.

applejacks and mustangs

             While I don't write near as much as I should.. Weight loss is on my mind daily. These past few weeks I have done really well. Loosing 7 lbs in about 4 weeks. Feeling good about that. I just got back from a vacation, where I enjoyed site seeing and walking around the streets of Seattle with my hubby. We walked over 4 miles a day, which is more exercise than I get in an entire week, and we did this for 3 days.. I was for sure thinking I would have an uberley good high weight loss on the scale. I did lose. Just not as much as I thought I would. So that is weighing heavily on my mind. And then me and Scott go into a huge fight Monday.. When this happens, in my mind, I always ask why. What is it about me, that makes him fight with me. Or hate on me, or use such harsh words. I don't mean to do it. But I know I do it. Whenever this happens, I end sabotaging myself for losing the weight. I know that I do this, some how some way, with out actually knowing that I am doing it. But since then, I have been eating eating eating. And I know why. I feel entitled to eat, because I don't feel like I am really worth feeling good about myself, or feeling good about loosing weight, or something. This is all psychosis bs I know. I just feel like only a fat person deserves to be treated like this. So if I am getting the treatment, I must not be worth it. Does this make sense? It's hard to find the self worth. When I was 18 I was over weight. Not fat, just a bit over weight (almost 60 lbs lighter than I am now) And I got raped at a party I went to with some friends. Because this happened, I gained weight, because I didn't want men looking at me like they wanted any thing. I didn't want that kind of attention. And I certainly didn't want that to happen again. When this happens to others you always hear, "well she asked for it by how she looks, etc" but I didn't ask for it. I wasn't dressed inappropriately by any means. Nor was this a person I had even shared a few sentences with. Yet it happened. Of course months later I met Scott. And things were great. We were inseparable. And then we got married. Which was challenging to say the least. The first few years were most horrible compared to now. Now we fight maybe once a month.. Then, we fought every day, if not multiple times a day. While these were the best of times, it was also the worst of times sort of speak. While I wouldn't rather be fighting with some one else. He's the only one worth fight for/with. I did suffer greatly, as I am sure he did as well. In turn over the course of our marriage I gained nearly 80 lbs. horrifying I know. And it all stemmed truly from the hatred of myself. Because we would fight, and fight we did, I really started to feel horrible about myself and my self image. I just thought I wasn't worth it. I thought that only ugly fat people deserved this treatment. And sometimes when it gets bad, even still I will scream out why? Why do I deserve this. And of course he doesn't say bc your fat! No.. Its because he's angry and we all say things we don't mean when pushed to the edge. But still I will punish myself over and over. I obviously know it's mental. I don't know quite how to stop, because it's not something I say (opening a candy bar, " I'm going to eat this, get a gain on the scale this week and really make scott pay") yet, some how, its not even him who's paying. He doesn't care. He loves me any way I come, he loved me 50 lbs heavier than I am now, and 35 lbs lighter than I am. Who pays is me. But I know its connected to how he treats me. I am going to keep pushing through, keep digging deeper at these feelings. Because I can diet. But the self hate thing is really the problem. And that I must keep working on.

my story has no end because it has no beginning

I keep waiting waiting waiting to be what I think happiness is. I never get my hair cut, rarely wear make up, or put on nice clothes. I am waiting. I keep thinking that something is going to change. That someday maybe I will wake up skinny and that's when I can be cute. But I am tired of waiting. The time is now.. 13:00 (not military) meaning it doesn't exist. Yet somehow it exists infinitely. I got a hair cut that I think is fun, and cute. I still kept my hair long, but have bangs. It's been fun. But sadly I am not getting as many comments as what would make my heart sing. I am struggling alot lately. I guess I should tell you the reason why I am waiting first. This might make more sense. I don't feel like I deserve to be cute/pretty/beautiful. I don't feel like I am partly. But also in part by how I interact with others. People don't have positive things to say about my looks, nor even about who I am in general. I don't get comments. People just don't care. I feel like I could disappear, and I don't know who would even realise it. It's kind of a sad feeling. But I blame myself. I am just not enamoring enough, to dazzle people, to hold their attention, long enough for them to care. I kind of feel like I am a piece of shit. Sure on the out side I might seem happy. But this is all inside stuff I am talking about. Things that go back to childhood. I was told I was born to bring joy. And that I probably have. I am the peacemaker in most situations. Especially in my family. However I have a brother who doesn't give me 1 minute of his day. A sister who is working herself ragged (and for what I do not know), she responds if I am lucky once a week. I have another sister who I think loves and adores me, but I can tell her patience is running thin. And another sister who I enjoy talking with, but its always chaos. My parents are so busy. They don't give me the time of day. We used to talk daily. I remember the first day of my entire life, the day I didn't get to talk to my mom. It was a sad day. Not because of anything, other than I didn't get to hear her voice.  Being on facebook almost makes me feel like I am something. Sometimes I feel like people do care. But it's rare I get a comment. And who I really want to comment and care, they never do. And that again makes me feel worthless. But it is a very different feeling, having friends from highschool that normally wouldn't give me the time of day. I wasn't popular in school at all growing up. In fact I was bullies and picked on.. So much I dropped out of school. But now, I am friends with majority of the people. And some I do keep up on their daily lives, and those same some, keep up with mine, for the most part. I have been working alot lately, alot for me. I normally work 25 - 35 hrs a week, well last week I worked 40, this week 44.  I honestly feel like this lifestyle of work, is killing me slowly. I can't feel part of my legs. And no, I am not a hypocondriact. I honestly cant. Sometimes after work, I will just sit and punch it, trying to get it to wake. But it never does.. I look back over my life, and think of friends, past and present. And I have really never had someone who does things for me. Except Scott. He is the exception to this. But I am always the one to do for others. Even in my family life. If I have an opinion, I get told to shut up. If I have an idea, it gets shut down. If I need something, I get ignored. I am always the one to do for others. And never doing for myself. If anyone needs anything, I try to make it happen. It's just who I am. I shut up, because I am a people pleaser. This is what makes me feel worthless. And sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist. I wish time would freeze. And things would stop. And for a moment, my problems would be gone. I also hate thinking. When I die, I am sure there will be tears, and sadness. But why don't they care enough now to stop my tears and sadness? I am going to stop on facebook for a while. I realised I have become one of those people who posts more than once a day, and that's just annoying. And probable cause for being hidden. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could go back, and see my dad walk again. And see my mom happy again. I wish I could go back and have tea time with my parents. And I wish that one time when my aunt faye called, and I was walking the phone to my mom, I wished I didn't hear her say "come on nat"..  I wish she was still here. Then maybe my cousin Bryce wouldn't have dropped out of my life. It's hard to deal. We used to be so close. I feel like I should go see some one (like a counsellor) and get some help. I feel like hes dead, and doesn't exist. But I never got to mourn. Because he is really not dead. Hes just not present in the family any more. I  hope tonight I can dream of my passed loved ones. I used to dream about my grandpa and hear his voice, calling me spook.. But I haven't for such a long time, I am forgetting what he sounded like. I wish I would get to see or feel my grandmas spirit. She used to visit me at my old house in clinton. I always felt her in my closet for some reason. But it was a comforting feeling having her near. I have been watching this tv series on showtime (from netflix) called the united states of tara. It's been interesting, and has made me feel alot of different things, even bringing up my own issues from the past. Because I feel so worthless, or unworthy, I have been sabotaging my weight loss. I have been just maintaining since Christmas. But every week its another small roller coaster that I hate. I wish I was the life of the party. That is who I want to be. Some great entertainer, who every one wants to be around. Who people make an effort for. But I am not. And I guess that's why I ain't.

It's been a while.

Its been a while since I last posted. But don't think I haven't been trying. My first post "January 13 2010
I have decided to start blogging about my ups and so many downs of diets. I plan to at least write 3 times a week and "weigh" in once a week. My goal is to lose sixty five pounds by Jan 1 2011. Not only to lose, but to hopefully, become much more healthier than I am now. I know it's going to be a struggle. But I am willing to try just about everything. I will also be keeping a journal of everything I eat, daily.My current weight: 251 BMI: 45.9Goal weight by 1/1/11: 186. BMI: 34Earlier this year, I attempted to go through my insurance and get the Lap band system. However, I could not physically nor financially jump through the hoops to get them (Altius) to pay for it. So I am going to try to lose this weight the "old fashioned" way. With hard work, sweat, tears, and eating less, and way more healthy, I believe I can and will lose that sixty five pounds!"


Obviously this did not happen. And in fact gained a whole bunch more, I believe my heaviest weight was around 270+ ish.. Somethings have changed since my last post July of 2011. I joined Weight Watchers at the end of Aug 2011, weighing in at 266. I absolutely love Weight Watchers, and what it has done for my life. I have lost a total of 22.4 lbs so far.Starting weight at WW is 266.8.. And I am proud to say, I didn't gain anything through the holidays! First time ever!! I have been trying to be active more. "Move More" and this has helped some. But more than anything it's what I've been eating, and the portion size. I now get fuller with less, and am making better food choices.

I have the support of my wonderful husband, and we have been moving more, together. We took a water aerobics class together last week, and it was so much fun. Today I did go again, this time, however, alone. Still alott of fun. I am enjoying losing the weight, and feeling/seeing the difference in my clothes.

Scott hasn't really "noticed" a difference in how I look.. I can, and many others can. But I think it's just because he sees me every day, and he's pretty much not aware of weight, or lack their of. He thinks I am the same size as some 300 + lbs person, and he is just not very observative.

Anyways, I have been having a great time going to meetings, and getting to know different people. By now, my meeting leader knows me by name. I go every Monday to weigh in. And I am loving it.
I am learning not to eat food because I am sad, or hurt. I am eating now, because I am hungry.. It's a very conscious choice, where as before. It was not.

Getting serious

Its time to get serious.

I am going to enroll in weight watchers here pretty soon, within the next few weeks.
I have purchased a bow flex tread climber, which has been kicking my butt. I have purchased a tricycle bike, and have been enjoying the times I've gotten to go ride. I have gotten central air, so now there are noooooo more excuses!! I have also been told recently that I am pre-diabetic and I have been experiencing some leg problems in that there is tingling and numbness about. I have been mentally preparing myself for a while now that I am getting serious about losing weight. At times, when eating out, I have even been sharing plates with Scott so I haven't been eating so much. At home however I do still feel I have been eating the same amounts for majority of the time.I have been cooking out of this cookbook though lately "cook this not that" which has very healthy portions but cuts allot of fats and calories. I really struggle however when it comes to pasta dishes. I just want to eat more and more. Its the peak of my addiction. Speaking of which I have been watching here and there "My Strange Addiction" and it has people on there eating very strange things like dryer sheets, dry wall, etc, and my first response is that's disgusting. and it is. But so is eating like a pig. Have you seen spirited away? In this movie a young girls parents eat a feast at a carnival type scene. before she knows it her parents are pigs. Literally, she can't pull them away. and that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I can't even pull myself away. I've been watching another shows - reruns "Ruby" Its about a super super obese woman who lives in Savannah Georgia, and I almost feel like I am her. I feel like I weigh/look as big as she is. And this to me comes at no surprise. I am really relating to here story. I look back on pictures when I thought I was fat. But looking back I wasn't that bad. I was looking very good. Not only good but I just looked so much happier. I am ready for a change and I am going to take this change running at full speed!

+ 6 lbs.

Man do I have allot to talk about..

I just bought a house with Scott, and it is freaking awesome! I love love love this house. I was standing in the kitchen last night and Scott asked me what a sound was. Of course I didn't have a real answer. I just said the house was old. ha ha. And in that moment, I felt like an actual home owner. It's weird to feel grown up, with responsibilities and what not. I have so many hopes and dreams and I feel like with this house, some of them may actually end up coming true.
I am a proud owner of a lazy susan, and!! and a mailbox.. IN FRONT OF MY hOuSe!! ha ha That has been something I have wanted for many years. Moving was kinda hectic, living out of boxes and having half of my prized possessions put away made me psycho.. But now I am moved in, and I am unpacking things that I haven't seen in years because they were packed away in storage is a great thing.


I really just wish I was skinnier but I don't actually care enough to do anything about it, is the problem. I have allot of health problems, that I shouldn't have, I am only 24. But because I am morbidly obese, its creating allot of problems. I found a old picture last night, that was taken in Nov. of 07'.. I was probably 35 lbs less at that point, and I looked great. But I didn't look great because I was less weight. I looked great because I was happy. I had just gotten married, just got my first job, that I loved, and was proud of. My fatness is not making me sad. I am fat because I am sad. I deal with all the weight of the world by eating, and trying to comfort myself with food, console my problems with food... All of that. I am slowly killing myself, in front of every one to see. And no one notices. I am doing nothing but creating an unsatisfactory lifestyle for myself.


I am just so sad. And I have so much anger for things. I don't know how to get out of this rut, and I don't even know why I am sad. I have so much to be happy for. A new house, dogs that I cherish, parents who love me, siblings who I enjoy time with, nieces/nephews who I adore, a great job, a living wage.. WHY cant that be enough for me? Why am I not fulfilled. I wished that life was more like the Sims, so I could just look and see what it was that I needed, and fulfil it by doing it!! Of course I wish I could control shift C and type "motherlode" above my life and instantly receive 50000... That would be AMAZING!!

But I am not happy. I am sad. What makes me sad?

• Not getting to see my parents on a daily basis.


• Watching my dad literally deteriorate before my eyes.


• Not have any children.


• Working 10 hrs a day.


• Not having Jaden or Jurney come spend the night ever.


• Not going to school, or being able to even enroll because I cannot afford it (school price + loosing a job to actually go to school... just cant do it.)


• Fighting with Scott


• Fighting with Scott about his family


• Wanting to do spontaneous things, but never any time.


• Wishing I could have more of a relationship with my friends


• My falling out with Abbey


• Not being invited to do anything with Scott's friends


• Not getting to see Scott's friends enough.


• Scott not wanting to have a house party with friends and family because (they wont mix well)


• Not having funds to be proactive about my problem, I wish I could get a bow flex tread climber, a personal trainer and gym membership.


• Feeling like no one cares how may day is.


• Seeing homeless animal - tv commercials.


• Wanting to adopt, but not having enough money, can't.


• wanting Scott to get tested for Huntington's, but not have an extra 3 grand laying around, cant.


• not being included in my own mother in laws funeral. so our dad died, and pays off your basement, now we get nothing from both.. great

What makes me angry

• working 10 hrs a day


• forgetting the words of what I am trying to say


• getting calls at work, and people spell things out, even though its spelt correctly on the screen in front of me.................. IF YOU CALL CS for a CREDIT CARD, do me a favor, don't spell your name/address. They already have it on file..


• When stores cant hear they say ma'am instead of what? or I didn't hear you or excuse me


• people saying excuse me when they didn't fart.. cant they just say move?


• my father is dying, why cant my work just say, take all the time you need, come back when you can.


• people talking behind other peoples back. if you are going to say something, say it with every one in the room.


• If I do something that upsets you or offends, do me a favor, don't wait a week to bring it up, just say something in the moment, so it can be dealt with in record time.


• Certain family members getting inheritance already, and then getting it again, when we are only getting it once.


• people who use death money to finish basements,


• being ignored by step families


• having a hostile work environment, constantly being threatened with action plans.. etc


• having a manager I feel I cant even approach


• having friends or should I say "friends" who call me names... good bye

Life just sucks. And I just think there is more that out ways the good at this point. I cant just sit here and watch my dad die, and pretend that every things alright. I am expected to perform at work the same, expected to be on time, expected to work a full 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week. Live 1 hr 15 Min's away from him and be happy. It is just not going to happen. And when he does actually pass. I don't know that I will be all chipper and bright eyed. I am sure that I will bawl for months, and feel like my heart just got ripped out from my chest. WHY DO PEOPLE DIE? Why do they have to die? Why do people get sick???

Excuses.

Thinking of everything going on.. Feeling overwhelmed. Like I can't handle all the stress, and daily pressures of life. Not feeling well, light headed, being dizzy. Working ten hour days. My dad, dying. House searching. Whats for dinner?

What do these things all have in common? They are all excuses.

It doesn't matter what is happening in my life. What I want to accomplish is getting healthy, getting thin and being who I want to be.

I don't know why I don't just shut up and do what it is I need to do (IE: workout) But these excuses are running my life.. And ruining my life.. I almost wish I was addicted to drugs.. Rather than food. I could at least quit drugs. But I will always have to eat. There will be a min. of three times a day for me to falter. Room to over eat. Room to choose the wrong types of food. I think someone should make eating healthy a convenience.. ah yet, another excuse.

I can't just let my life be the way it is.. I am dying. Slowly. I am morbidly obese, and feel so run down from carrying so much extra weight.

No one can help me, until I can help myself. No one can take away my pain, or make this process any easier, or shorter. It is what it is. And why is it that I only answer to "Natalie"? Why can't someone tell me what to do, and I just do it.. No complaints. I wish I just felt worth while. Like I was worth the time, the effort to get healthy. I feel worthless.. But no one can tell me differently. It doesn't matter what any one says. Only what I feel. These feelings cannot be changed with out me wanting to change them.

Pudding

When ever I eat pudding I think of "Now & Then" , and how the Warner's gave them the idea...




I don't know why but Wednesday's always give me trouble. I am fine with working. It's hump day! Half way through! But when it comes to working out that day I dread going going in to Curves. I am not sure why. After I go, regardless of the day, I feel GREAT!! I say that like "Tony the tiger". ha ha


I started working 10 hr days. Of course, I haven't worked a full 10 yet, because I have gotten vto for the past two days. Which has been nice. Last night I got to take a nap. Which i don't know if that was such a good thing, I woke up grumpy.

I have come to realise something.. I never knew. But I was good enough all along.

Its weird to me, seeing a man, I think I put them up on a pedestal because, I always think " he wouldn't like me" and when they do, I am surprised. To me, this man is perfect. Like seeing Venus on a clear summer night.
I have such complexities about my weight it holds me back and prevents me from being truly happy in life.
Well, I am sick of feeling unhappy because I am heavy. I have always felt fat since I was little. And if I only knew then, that I wasn't fat at all I think I would have gone down a different path.


I have gone to Curves now for 9 days! woo. I have lost 4 lbs. I know that's not much! I don't care, I am having fun, and enjoying my self. And the energy I have is amazing. I love all the old ladies there. I have decided not to wear t-shirts there, but rather big bulky sweatshirts. I have been wearing the "belly burner" the last 4 days I've gone. And that's helped tremendously. before I start working out it says I am 4 lbs lighter than when I started last Monday after I work out, it shows Ive gained 8 lbs since I started. That's a 12 lbs difference total. And when I take everything off to way, I am back to 4 lbs lighter. ha ha. So my sweating idea must be working. I feel really good about myself right now. And I don't think anything can break me right now. Well maybe my love life falling apart would affect me. Or my dad dying. Other than that, I feel like I am on top of the world.

At night I have been doing other exercises. I have this big long (30 ft) rope that's very heavy. I don't know how to explain it, but I pick up each end and do bicep curls very fast. It is a real workout, so I can't really do it that long. I am lame, I know! I also have been doing crunches with a weighted medicine ball. And THOSE have made my abs kill. Of course doing 40 crunches will make any one sore, I think..

They Can't break me down.

I have a history with starting vigorous workouts, only to end up quiting them in a few weeks. Back in May 2010 I was working out like crazy, I worked out every day for a few months, bringing us to June or July. I was told by a family member that I had to go every night and be there with my dad till he fell asleep in the hospital. Well, at night is when I would work out, so, that work out time was taken away from me, and once my dad was out of the hospital, I never grew back into the phase of working out again..

Now I am working out again, and I work out in the early mornings. I was very emotion yesterday, its a new year, and that means at work that our planned time and unplanned time banks are full again, and I noticed mine were short. I didn't know why, so I sent my unit manager and email, she said it was because I work 36 hours a week. I guess it's considered full time for health benefits but not full time for vacation time.. So now I am going to have to work more. I already work 9 hour days, but that's just not good enough. I feel overwhelmed, things still are going down hill with my dad, and me and Scott barely get to see each other as it is. On top of this, I am going to be working 10 hr days now. Hopefully it wont be sooo bad that I can't handle it. I am feeling better today, and I will continue working out early in the morning. Even if I lose sleep over it. I have to do this for myself. That is the only way this plan is ever going to work.

Curves

I have joined Curves for Women, I have gone 4 days in a row now. I started Monday.. I have a membership there for 2 months. The first day I went, I was kind of nervous, I wasn't sure what to think.. But when I got there, I knew everything was going to be okay. The women who go there are older. I don't mean in their 40's. I mean, 60 and above. At least. I feel like I am working out in a retirement home. I like this, because even though I am SO out of shape, I feel like an athlete next to these old ladies. I move faster, I lift more. It's an exciting time in my life. I wake up every morning, ON MY OWN (no alarm) at 8:00 am. I look forward do going, and doing my work out. I drink a slim fast on the way, and I am there for about 40-45 Min's. I feel fantastic. I leave feeling great, and I come home to a sleeping Scott. :)

Laser TAG

Happy birthday to me!!

So my birthday ended up being on a Thursday this year, it was so cold, and SO crappy! I don't get off till 9:00 PM at night. So no one could do anything. But as part of my new "self" I decided I was going to enjoy this birthday of mine, and have a party!! Woo.

So I called up Boondocks, and said, "I WANT A LASER TAG PARTY"

It was SO much fun. Well. Sort of. Because I didn't turn 7 and I was turning 24 people were looking at me, and laughing. The employees that is. they were rude. But once all the laser tag started, all my embarrassment and humiliation went away, and I was able to enjoy myself.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I hadn't had a birthday party in like ten years. It was exercise, I was sweating. And running all over trying to be the best laser tagging person ever.

But most of all, I had fun. And that's what matters.

New Years Resolution

2011!!

Its here and the time has come once again where people have all these hopes and dreams of bettering themselves and adding a sense of "good" back into the world. And I am no different. I am once again on the band wagon, of losing weight. For me, I think this is more than just a New Years Resolution. In the next three months I am going to give in everything I've got. And if I don't succeed you may ask yourself, I am getting barriatric surgery this year. Yup. This year. 2011

Down Memory Lane.

I was going through some photos last night. And I came across one of me. It was fairly recent, about 2 years ago. I was sitting on a rock over looking Timanogos National Park.. At this time, I believed I was fat. And surely I was, but not AS fat as I am today. But here is the thing. I thought I was as fat as I could get, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But it did. Since that picture was taken I have gained 32 lbs. That's a small child. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Not so sure how or why. But what I can tell you, is I am fed up. I am tired of limiting myself because of my size.

June 16 2010

I know it has been a while. I have moved, and have had allot going on else where in my life. I haven't had the time to sit in front of a computer for more than 10 minutes here or there. I moved back in April, and it has been wonderful. I love where I live! I get to take the dogs on walks daily, plus, living in an apartment, I feel as though I have my very own private gym! I pretend that I am rich and can just afford such luxuries in life I guess. ha ha.. Scott & I go almost every night to the gym. And there has only been other people there once! I guess we are pretty lucky. I don't like doing the gym equipment, but they have a racquetball room there, and it is SO much fun. And on top of being fun it really gets me sweating. Which is a wonderful thing. I normally don't break a sweat doing anything else. And I also love taking walks now, which is very nice. We take our dogs and go around the entire complex. It's been a real joy. I have also been eating allot less, more healthy foods. Although I am exercising the most I ever have in my life, and am eating less, more healthy foods, I am not seeing a huge drop in weight loss. From May 3 to today I have lost 14 lbs. Which is good, I just want more. I feel like I am making a true effort here, and I want to see more of a result that what I am. At first it all dropped off quickly, but it's been weeks now with out seeing any loss at all. Which is very hard, and very discouraging. On mothers day of this year I had a huge eye opening, jaw dropping epiphany. It was wondrous. And my Scotty, has been here through it all. I really owe allot to him now. He's been here through some pretty hard times with me. On mothers day I realised something so tragic. If I didn't change my course in life I was going to end up being bedridden and have to use one of those fat people carts at the store. Not that there is anything wrong.. With that picture necessarily. But that is not what I want for ME! No.. It's not. It never has been. I don't know why it took me this long to realise something so obvious.. But it has. I wanted to lose weight before. But nothing like this. It's like it's in my core now. Not to overeat. Not to just sit on my ass 24/7.. And to be honest, now I even want to go to the gym everyday! Who would of ever thought! ME!! Wow. I am taking a good hard look, at myself. And I can tell you my trigger foods, are deserts and going out to eat. So to remedy this, I have not been eating out as much, if I get fast food, it's a kids meal size. And if I have a desert, it's only once a week. And really I haven't even had that much desert since I have had this awaking. I have stopped completely getting things out of the vending machine. Trying to eat more complex carb like whole grains. Eating more protein and fiber so I feel fuller longer. And don't get me wrong. I still have had moments of weakness. Where I do still over eat. But not nearly as much as it was. And now I feel guilty about doing it, and I try to work it off. So overall I would say I am in a much better place because of this. I am concentrating on being more fit. Getting on Sparkpeople.com more often, after working the stages.. And I joined OA - Over eaters Anonymous.. Which has been working out really good. I feel like if I focus on not overeating it will be easier not to. I have some wonderful support right now in my family that I am just grateful for. That's all for now. Thanks for listening.

2/7/10

It's been a week, this is the second week on Alli, and I have actually gained 2 lbs. Which is crappy. I haven't done anything differently really. And I have been taking my pills with every meal like I am supposed to. It's hard to continue, because I feel like I am always failing. I just wish I could have surgery and be done! I am sick of being this way. This weight prohibits me from exercising.. It prohibits me from hikes. I am discouraged as I am sure you can tell. So if you have any inspiration to share, please do!

1/31/2010

So I just did my weekly check in with Alli, and was so suprised to find out, that I have lost a total of 6 lbs since tuesday.. How exciting is that.. It's my first week, and it is such a great feeling to actually see results in the first week. And that big of a weight loss! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..