Meh

I honestly don't know if losing the weight was worth it from an emotional standpoint. I used to have high self esteem. Thinking I looked good even when heavy. After losing 151 pounds, I look good in clothes, but not naked. I have loose skin every where, my arms, stomach and thighs. It's pretty horrible. I feel so ugly, and unattractive. I don't want to be naked, or have sex. I feel disgusting. I lost my boobs, and my butt. I am shapeless, and drooping. It sucks to work so hard to lose the weight,and then you are not satisfied by the way you look after. And since I am chronically ill, I am also not happy with how I feel,seeing as how I am in pain 100% of my time alive and sleepy.

It finally happened.

So I know I haven't written in here for years. But I am finally thin. I don't feel it in my head yet, but maybe it will get there.

A turn of events....

I pretty much have alot to say, to whom ever is reading out there. I have decided to pursue the course of surgery for weight loss. I am going to be having it in a few months - about 3. It is scary, but I am ready. I am still going through the course of getting approved. Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Keeping it off is hard. I am going to choose another type of hard. Keeping it off. Going through the surgery is going to be difficult as well. Probably one of the hardest things I will ever do for myself. But it's for me, and sometimes we have to do things for ourselves so that we are ok. And I am doing this. Scott is getting progressively worse with his disease, and I am trying to get myself ready, physically, and mentally for the fight with Huntingtons. I am going to be caring for him some day, sooner than I will be ready for. But the least I can do, is be ready physically. And that is the goal with the surgery. I have chosen to do the bypass. It has good results, is fairly safe. Sure there are people who have problems. I know. Some think it was the biggest mistakes of their lives. I know. I get it. I thought about the lapband, and spoke with the center who does them. They said that Europe was the first country to start them, and they wont even do them any more. Minimal results, and band slippage. It's not the best I guess. Although some people have tremendous results with the band. What really stopped me from choosing the lapband is the fact that you still feel hunger. And that's not something I can handle. I am so ready to just not even think about eating all the time, To have to be REMINDED to eat.. Wouldn't that be so wonderful. Can't wait for the days. I know I will have a really hard time at first. Probably sicker than sick for months on end. Lose half my hair. I am ready for it. I am mentally preparing for it now. And you never know, maybe it will be easier than what I think in my head. And wouldn't that be a blessing.

Last night Scott had an violent outburst. It was pretty shocking. I am here, for how ever long he will have me. I know huntingtons is messing with his head already. He becomes someone at times, thats inherently not who he is. He changes. It's difficult, and scary. And I get hurt and build walls. but I know that's not him. That's not who he is. I keep trying to remind myself. Today he had a procedure done, and he kept clenching his hands, and making claw like fists and I asked the nurses if this was normal, they said it was a symptom of hd. That was so scary. Never before have I seen him do this, and never before has any one actually acknowledge a symptom of hd in him before either. I think that yesterday he was pushed to his limits. Prepping for a colonoscopy, he hadn't been eating anything and had been complaining of his hunger all day. I had worked a 10 hr shift, and came down and was eating a pb&j beside him. I think this is what had pushed him. He kept saying I was being rude, and calling me names. etc. I recorded some of it. Not for proof. But so I can show him later, how he is sounding, vs me. He gets so angry, I don't even know what to do. Today after the procedure, on the way home, he was crying because of what he did. I know he feels like total utter shit because of his actions.  And it makes me feel sorry for him that he feels this way, but part of me thinks, if you are really sorry you wont just sit there, cry and feel sorry for yourself. You could get me flowers, a card saying how really sorry you really are.. etc. But no effort. Like the usual.

I have had such a hard time recently with my eating. And it's all because of everything I am dealing with on a mental level. Scott and I have been practicing eating at the table. Boy has this made a difference. But when we go back to our normal habits, we eat in front of the tv. And I just over eat. I bought a bag of chips S&V on Monday.. Todays Wednesday  and they are gone! GONE !All me.. No one else. Not even Scott having had one chip. I feel like the biggest piece of crap ever. It was total addiction. I wasn't hungry. I was burning my tongue. It still hurts. But man oh man, was it good. My parents are losing their house, of 26 yrs. There is always drama with my family, I just can't handle it. My sister got a new friend who I dislike. I tried to like her, but she just doesn't even want to talk to me. Walking away in mid conversation, its really weird, I don't know why she likes this lady and their weird family. Just got back from a vacation, that was a bit stressful. I was sick the entire time, and even sicker when I got home, I had to take a whole week off of work. And I am still struggling to get better. This is so stressful why because I will be with out pay that entire week. And this is so stressful because Scott is always riding me about money, and the lack there of. AHH I could just scream. 

Worry some

I'm so worried about my love.  Tomorrow we go in for some more results in his blood.  His love enzymes are higher than they were.  I hope it's nothing life threatening.  He already has hd in his future, taking away valuable time together in our old age.  And now this.  Please help him, help me help us.  Let this be easy to fix.

corn dog chili powder

I have been struggling so much lately. I am feeling really good about figure - buying a lot of cute clothes, new dresses.. I ordered a pair of high boots that go to the knee. Something I have wanted for forever. My sister Shannon wears them all the time,and they are so cute. I was hopeful they would fit for a wide calf. I have monstrous calves, I have a strong dislike for them. Obviously they didn't fit. I can barely get them zipped. but unfortunately they are so tight, so uncomfortable, and look horrible with all the extra leg fat popping out the top. I am debating taking them back, or keeping them for when (if) they fit. I got them on a good sale - 50% off. I just want to be cute so badly. Cute-er than I already am. I want so badly to  be this thin, healthy, person who runs and has a lot of energy. But lately I am dragging. I am out of breath by simply walking up a flight of stairs.  And its been really hard on me. I don't know whats going on, I don't feel sick, other than being extremely tired lately. Maybe it's the weather changing. Who knows. I don't. I need to get back into it again. Yesterday I missed my weight watcher meeting, because I was so tired. I slept in, and took a hot bath. Which was nice. But I need more. More sleep. I need to take a whole day off and do nothing but rest.

applejacks and mustangs

             While I don't write near as much as I should.. Weight loss is on my mind daily. These past few weeks I have done really well. Loosing 7 lbs in about 4 weeks. Feeling good about that. I just got back from a vacation, where I enjoyed site seeing and walking around the streets of Seattle with my hubby. We walked over 4 miles a day, which is more exercise than I get in an entire week, and we did this for 3 days.. I was for sure thinking I would have an uberley good high weight loss on the scale. I did lose. Just not as much as I thought I would. So that is weighing heavily on my mind. And then me and Scott go into a huge fight Monday.. When this happens, in my mind, I always ask why. What is it about me, that makes him fight with me. Or hate on me, or use such harsh words. I don't mean to do it. But I know I do it. Whenever this happens, I end sabotaging myself for losing the weight. I know that I do this, some how some way, with out actually knowing that I am doing it. But since then, I have been eating eating eating. And I know why. I feel entitled to eat, because I don't feel like I am really worth feeling good about myself, or feeling good about loosing weight, or something. This is all psychosis bs I know. I just feel like only a fat person deserves to be treated like this. So if I am getting the treatment, I must not be worth it. Does this make sense? It's hard to find the self worth. When I was 18 I was over weight. Not fat, just a bit over weight (almost 60 lbs lighter than I am now) And I got raped at a party I went to with some friends. Because this happened, I gained weight, because I didn't want men looking at me like they wanted any thing. I didn't want that kind of attention. And I certainly didn't want that to happen again. When this happens to others you always hear, "well she asked for it by how she looks, etc" but I didn't ask for it. I wasn't dressed inappropriately by any means. Nor was this a person I had even shared a few sentences with. Yet it happened. Of course months later I met Scott. And things were great. We were inseparable. And then we got married. Which was challenging to say the least. The first few years were most horrible compared to now. Now we fight maybe once a month.. Then, we fought every day, if not multiple times a day. While these were the best of times, it was also the worst of times sort of speak. While I wouldn't rather be fighting with some one else. He's the only one worth fight for/with. I did suffer greatly, as I am sure he did as well. In turn over the course of our marriage I gained nearly 80 lbs. horrifying I know. And it all stemmed truly from the hatred of myself. Because we would fight, and fight we did, I really started to feel horrible about myself and my self image. I just thought I wasn't worth it. I thought that only ugly fat people deserved this treatment. And sometimes when it gets bad, even still I will scream out why? Why do I deserve this. And of course he doesn't say bc your fat! No.. Its because he's angry and we all say things we don't mean when pushed to the edge. But still I will punish myself over and over. I obviously know it's mental. I don't know quite how to stop, because it's not something I say (opening a candy bar, " I'm going to eat this, get a gain on the scale this week and really make scott pay") yet, some how, its not even him who's paying. He doesn't care. He loves me any way I come, he loved me 50 lbs heavier than I am now, and 35 lbs lighter than I am. Who pays is me. But I know its connected to how he treats me. I am going to keep pushing through, keep digging deeper at these feelings. Because I can diet. But the self hate thing is really the problem. And that I must keep working on.

my story has no end because it has no beginning

I keep waiting waiting waiting to be what I think happiness is. I never get my hair cut, rarely wear make up, or put on nice clothes. I am waiting. I keep thinking that something is going to change. That someday maybe I will wake up skinny and that's when I can be cute. But I am tired of waiting. The time is now.. 13:00 (not military) meaning it doesn't exist. Yet somehow it exists infinitely. I got a hair cut that I think is fun, and cute. I still kept my hair long, but have bangs. It's been fun. But sadly I am not getting as many comments as what would make my heart sing. I am struggling alot lately. I guess I should tell you the reason why I am waiting first. This might make more sense. I don't feel like I deserve to be cute/pretty/beautiful. I don't feel like I am partly. But also in part by how I interact with others. People don't have positive things to say about my looks, nor even about who I am in general. I don't get comments. People just don't care. I feel like I could disappear, and I don't know who would even realise it. It's kind of a sad feeling. But I blame myself. I am just not enamoring enough, to dazzle people, to hold their attention, long enough for them to care. I kind of feel like I am a piece of shit. Sure on the out side I might seem happy. But this is all inside stuff I am talking about. Things that go back to childhood. I was told I was born to bring joy. And that I probably have. I am the peacemaker in most situations. Especially in my family. However I have a brother who doesn't give me 1 minute of his day. A sister who is working herself ragged (and for what I do not know), she responds if I am lucky once a week. I have another sister who I think loves and adores me, but I can tell her patience is running thin. And another sister who I enjoy talking with, but its always chaos. My parents are so busy. They don't give me the time of day. We used to talk daily. I remember the first day of my entire life, the day I didn't get to talk to my mom. It was a sad day. Not because of anything, other than I didn't get to hear her voice.  Being on facebook almost makes me feel like I am something. Sometimes I feel like people do care. But it's rare I get a comment. And who I really want to comment and care, they never do. And that again makes me feel worthless. But it is a very different feeling, having friends from highschool that normally wouldn't give me the time of day. I wasn't popular in school at all growing up. In fact I was bullies and picked on.. So much I dropped out of school. But now, I am friends with majority of the people. And some I do keep up on their daily lives, and those same some, keep up with mine, for the most part. I have been working alot lately, alot for me. I normally work 25 - 35 hrs a week, well last week I worked 40, this week 44.  I honestly feel like this lifestyle of work, is killing me slowly. I can't feel part of my legs. And no, I am not a hypocondriact. I honestly cant. Sometimes after work, I will just sit and punch it, trying to get it to wake. But it never does.. I look back over my life, and think of friends, past and present. And I have really never had someone who does things for me. Except Scott. He is the exception to this. But I am always the one to do for others. Even in my family life. If I have an opinion, I get told to shut up. If I have an idea, it gets shut down. If I need something, I get ignored. I am always the one to do for others. And never doing for myself. If anyone needs anything, I try to make it happen. It's just who I am. I shut up, because I am a people pleaser. This is what makes me feel worthless. And sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist. I wish time would freeze. And things would stop. And for a moment, my problems would be gone. I also hate thinking. When I die, I am sure there will be tears, and sadness. But why don't they care enough now to stop my tears and sadness? I am going to stop on facebook for a while. I realised I have become one of those people who posts more than once a day, and that's just annoying. And probable cause for being hidden. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could go back, and see my dad walk again. And see my mom happy again. I wish I could go back and have tea time with my parents. And I wish that one time when my aunt faye called, and I was walking the phone to my mom, I wished I didn't hear her say "come on nat"..  I wish she was still here. Then maybe my cousin Bryce wouldn't have dropped out of my life. It's hard to deal. We used to be so close. I feel like I should go see some one (like a counsellor) and get some help. I feel like hes dead, and doesn't exist. But I never got to mourn. Because he is really not dead. Hes just not present in the family any more. I  hope tonight I can dream of my passed loved ones. I used to dream about my grandpa and hear his voice, calling me spook.. But I haven't for such a long time, I am forgetting what he sounded like. I wish I would get to see or feel my grandmas spirit. She used to visit me at my old house in clinton. I always felt her in my closet for some reason. But it was a comforting feeling having her near. I have been watching this tv series on showtime (from netflix) called the united states of tara. It's been interesting, and has made me feel alot of different things, even bringing up my own issues from the past. Because I feel so worthless, or unworthy, I have been sabotaging my weight loss. I have been just maintaining since Christmas. But every week its another small roller coaster that I hate. I wish I was the life of the party. That is who I want to be. Some great entertainer, who every one wants to be around. Who people make an effort for. But I am not. And I guess that's why I ain't.